© 2005 S. (Shae) A. Cooke
"Shae . . . . Shae!--Stop daydreaming and pay attention!" Mrs. Potter focused her angry eyes on my glazed ones. "Shae . . . you have to stop this nonsense . . . what on earth are you dreaming about!" My first grade teacher stared hard at me, and my legs trembled. I avoided her eyes and instead studied my desk and picked at some dried glue. Heaven only knows what she thought--perhaps candy and ice-cream-dreams? I was Jane, and Daddy just came home from work and scooped me into his arms. This was the fantasy world I lived in--Dick and Jane stories--perfect families with warm homes and loving parents; a storybook house; a kitchen that smelled of apple pie, the prettiest bedroom in the whole wide world, and a dog called Spot. Tucked every night into soft, downy sheets with a prayer, kiss on the nose, and a promise that angels would watch over me.
I dreaded going home. Our sparse flat barely contained seven children, and mother seldom welcomed us--too exhausted and spent from crying and nervous breakdowns. Her hands weren't soft like Jane's mothers. Mommy's were red raw, chapped from scrubbing and hand-washing clothes for seven. My mother always had black eyes--Jane's mother was always made up perfectly. Jane's mother always wore a dress; mine wore my father's old pants and shirts. What was it even like to go to bed at night and feel protected? I didn't know. I lived in terror that my father would come home drunk. I'd hear the latch turn on the door in the wee hours, and he'd crawl along the hallway wall toward his bedroom. I'd pray he wouldn't stop at our rooms because if he did, we'd be up all night. Sometimes he'd call out to us, and ask if we'd been bad. Then he'd summon us one-by-one, line us up, and give us the strap for no reason. I was usually the last to get it, because he'd have to fetch me out from under the bed. One night it was forty below zero outside and he was looped. He awoke us and lined us up in the living room. He pointed to our beloved parakeet, Peter and declared that Peter deserved to be free. We watched in horror as he grabbed the small blue bird, our beloved pet, and tossed him out the front door and into the icy night.
Therefore, my daydreams were of loving families and homes that exuded warmth and cheer. Is it any wonder, then that the toy I wanted most from Santa was a dollhouse? I didn't even have a doll to play with, but in my heart, I wanted to fix it up as I thought it should be. It could be something I could control . . . I could make it as warm, cozy, and safe as I wanted my real home to be. It became the ultimate object of my desire, either real or imaginary and carried through to adulthood. That's when I dreamed even bigger and I sought a home filled with warmth and happiness, a secure, loving, safe environment filled with laughter and sunshine.
But it was not to be. As much as I thought I could control my surroundings as I did with my childhood dollhouse dreams, it didn't happen. Instead, a few years ago, I found myself in a place of serious marital difficulty where fear, hurt, and darkness curtained my desires once again. I was in a bad place, and unable to create the home I desperately sought. I tried to bring sunshine into the home, but instead it became darker. My wildflower dreams wilted, and the aroma of apple pie living became once again a fragrant longing. Even the dandelion and buttercup treasures my son and his neighborhood friends brought me and proudly displayed in mismatched jars on windowsills, couldn't camouflage the darkness. I couldn't even hope for heaven--I lost sight of it.
However, God knew what was about to happen even before I did. He knew in advance that we'd be "homeless" and "alone", literally, and so He prepared me, by not only showing me a place I could place true hope in--heaven, but also by stepping in and standing in the gap for us-- as Husband, Lover, and Friend to me; and as Father and Protector to my son.
In a dream, He met us outside somewhere, and talked with us. He took my son's hand in one of His and my hand in the other, and led us toward a large mansion. There, we sat across from one another, and He took my two hands in His (as lovers would) and gazed into my eyes. He professed His love for me and told me He loved me so dearly and wanted to care for me?for the both of us, and that He had prepared a place for us that we should place our hope in.
He led us down a hallway filled with rooms and opened each door one-by-one. One room was for my son, and it contained everything a little boy could ask for. My son's eyes grew wide and he grinned from ear-to-ear. From his room, a door led into the master bedroom, and Jesus told me it was for His bride and smiled. He told me that living in this home with Him should be the object of my desire, and that I should seek it every day of my life. He told me not to worry, that He had all of our needs met and that I didn't even need to ask of Him, until I felt able, because He already knew them.
I fell in love with my Savior, it wasn't a head thing anymore,I loved Him with my heart, and realized that no matter what happened in my personal life, that He would stand in the gap and fill the areas of need and emptiness. I began to seek and desire to dwell with Him, and the passion and the desire became for Him. Thus, when we became homeless, I could still celebrate the fact that I had a heavenly home, and a bridegroom, husband, and father I could count on for protection, for honor, for love, for provision, for the peace and security we needed. King David said, "One thing I have desired of the LORD, that will I seek: That I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to inquire in His temple" (Psalm 27:4). David sought to live in the Father's house every day of his earthly life. It was his dream home and it became the object of his desire, and as a result, heaven came to earth and so did the Savior and life for David became on "earth as it is in heaven" as it has for me.
I wish old Mrs. Potter would ask me the same question now, "What on earth are you dreaming about?" I'd answer, "heaven" for now my soul yearns and even faints for His courts, (Ps. 84:2). Yes, I can control my surroundings by choosing to live with Him and inviting Him to live with me. I have my dream house, do you have yours?
